This is a hard post for me to write. I'm going to say something here that some people will understand and others just will not. I label myself a "Frustrated Perfectionist". Anyone else feel like that? I want to do things perfectly and I can't because I am soooooo far from perfect. BUT.. my standard for myself is such that when I can't do whatever task perfectly, instead of taking the imperfections and keeping at it and seeing it as part of the process (or, a la this blog, the Journey) I just want to quit or start all over.
I think it's actually a kind of neurosis. I mean, I can't tell you how much time I waste rewriting post it notes, phone log entries, even notes from meetings, because I HAD TO CROSS SOMETHING OUT on the page. What is that, anyway????? It's totally the C in OCD. Wait. Or is it the O? Both?
I remember when my sister and I were doing Weight Watchers a LONG LONG LONG time ago. (Yes, this weight loss thing has been back and forth for me forever.) Bec was ultimately way more successful than I was on it because if she "cheated" or got off track, she just kind of shrugged and got back on. She would get tempted and eat a pastry in the morning at work, but by noon she was back on track and finished her day better. I, on the other hand, would get off track, and then, because I didn't want ANY blemishes in my day, would pledge to have a perfect day the next day, but then my whole day after that was shot as I gave myself permission to stay off all day because I knew tomorrow would be "right". As if somehow I needed the artificial boundary of a new day to draw a line under the whole event, to turn the page and start anew. Crazy and dangerous.
When I track, if I eat something I shouldn't, I am more likely to stop tracking and start the next day again than to simply enter it, re-evaluate how many points I have left (or even dip into that extra little weekly pot of points that we all get)... and where does that get me? Not closer to any goals, that's for sure. Must get honest and transparent with MYSELF.
So how does this all relate to my preparations for the PCT? Well. Last night I was a little tired and sore from the cycling the night before. I thought about getting on my bike just around town but also wanted to grill a "good dinner" with protein and vegetables. Then I thought, maybe a walk with Charlie (our dog) on the walking path would be a good alternative after dinner. Aislynn and I stopped at the grocery store where I purchased some very choice steaks. I had great produce in my fridge from the previous day's drive to SLC.
We got home and I looked at my dining room floor... it's bamboo and there were little Charlie footprints all over because it's been uncharacteristically rainy. That's where things took a turn "south". I decided that instead of exercising, I would take an evening and get my house in order.
OK.... what is wrong with that? Nothing. Totally reasonable, and actually, sweeping, vacuuming and mopping are ALL good activity. But somewhere in my brain I had the conviction that I should be cycling or exercising rigorously. I couldn't make myself go with the perfect Plan A, so I "threw out" the night, which led to a series of bad decisions from that point on that included everything from NOT grilling the protein and vegetables but grazing on carbs throughout the night to drinking diet soda (trying not to drink carbonation) to eating dairy, which I have learned my digestive system is not good with, to staying up waaaaay too late and not getting a good night's sleep. I didn't even finish all the cleaning I wanted to do (although the floors did get swept and mopped.)
Why? Why? Why not just clean the house, practice the cello, do some journaling and turn in early for a good night's sleep while eating healthy food???????
And here I am, first thing in the morning, EVEN AS I AM BLOGGING THIS, drawing a line under yesterday and telling myself that "today I will be perfect". Hello?!??! A bachelors, a masters and a graduate certificate and I can't figure out this very basic and obvious pattern of self-sabotage????
So, as I start my second cup of coffee (thank you, awesome family for the Mother's Day Kuerig coffee maker), I am pondering what I need to embrace and enact to make true change. This is what I am coming up with:
1. First and foremost, I need allow God to give me a better understanding of grace and process for myself and others -- something that will help me in absolutely every area of my life.
2. Second, I need to get a grip on the concept of intervention -- the idea of not having to have everything perfect, but being able to identify when it's going off track and immediately change course rather than waiting for some imaginary new start date. You know, so it wasn't perfect, but at least it didn't spiral downward a lot farther before changing direction.
3. Third, I have to realize this is a marathon more than a series of sprints. These preparations (not to mention my overall health quest) are a long, long process and a long, long series of steps. It's not about doing it fast and furious for a short burst.. it's about long term decisions, planning and steps to reach a goal.
4. I need to overcome my very, very bad tendency toward instant gratification.
On a side note, when I was in my 20s, I was really troubled by the concept of how spiritual salvation worked. I was convinced that when Jesus came back to Earth, I might be doing something wrong at that very moment and be damned to an eternity of hell because I screwed up at the wrong time. I shared those thoughts with my very wise friend Sharon, who was blown away by how naïve I was and by the shallowness of my thinking. She just looked at me incredulously and said, "Do you seriously think your salvation is THAT fragile? That the God who loves you would be that fickle?" (Uh, yeah, I did.) It was my first real insight into the concept of relationship with Jesus Christ and his unconditional love.
Now I am in my 40s, and I am finding that I have come a long way, but I am still learning the concept of relationship -- long-term and unconditional -- with family, with friends, with myself, with my body and health, with my professional work.... wow.
But putting it all down in words helps. Thanks, Blog.
So this is not a "new day" as much as a step forward in my journey. :) Cheers to that.
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